So here goes. A little story only a few people in my life are aware of . One of the few things I actually keep quiet about but possibly the one thing I should be screaming from the rooftops ...
Last summer as Steve began training before the deployment and I began loooong and lonely Weeks by myself with two kiddos under 2 , I knew something had to give . I was struggling and with him about to be GONE gone for a year , I needed to dig deep in my faith for strength that I simply didn't have alone. I grew up in a catholic home. Attended church most Sundays, received the sacraments from communion to confirmation, attended CCD on Monday nights , memorized the words to all the rehearsed prayers and hymns , and most importantly believed in the Father Son and Holy Spirit. At least I THOUGHT I believed . I knew there was something bigger than us in control of our existence . Honestly I never really cared about a concrete belief system. Reading my fair share of new age enlightenment theories and taking your basic religion 101 course at my far from conservative university lead to a contentment or satisfaction with ... Well...being. I didn't need a book telling me how to live or prayers for anything because I lived peaceful enough, and after all I can sin all I want for it will all be forgiven regardless !
So there I am, 26 years old with two beautiful boys and a husband that are my world and we're supposed to send him off to war and be faithful that he will just come back ? Alive? What if he doesn't ? <insert catholic mass > The church my parents attend is a very highly populated Catholic church in a super family friendly Arizona community - and no there is not ANY childcare. Not even a cry room ( which at this point would be for me, not the boys .) Of course I'm in and out every few minutes either shushing a crying 4 month old or bribing a toddler to sit still for maybe 5 straight minutes, meanwhile being glared at by half of the congregation for having " those kids " and I just want to scream on the top of my lungs THEIR DAD IS GONE fighting for YOUR damn freedom cut us a freaking BREAK!! - my thoughts were much less PG at that point .
We go home and I'm just floored by the experience . Here I am trying to build a relationship with God , find strength , and I felt more drained than the end of a marathon. After searching for another Catholic Church in town that would actually welcome my children, and failing miserably, I realize that maybe I need to try something new. My Grandparents rave about their church , that their pastor is wonderful, and that they have DING DING DING children's programs !!! As uncomfortable and foreign as a Christian church seemed , I trust my Grandparents more than anyone so that Sunday I let go of all anxieties and just went .
The moment I carried my babies into this place of worship I just felt at ease. The pastor had open arms ready to meet and welcome us , the childcare was phenomenal , and as I sat down next to my Grandparents I was able to have the first calm I had felt in quite some time- and this was all before the service even started ! The music was modern with powerful messages , the people were beyond friendly , and the pastor spoke from the bible in a way I had never heard before . My eyes and heart were finally open and my journey had just begun.
Since that first day at Arizona Hills in Anthem , I've slowly taken a spiritual journey completely unexpected . Pastor Bob changed all my beliefs of Christianity , bringing me closer to God and accepting Jesus in a way I never had before. All this simply through his sermons and the actions of others in the community that constantly reached out to my family. I began actually reading the bible for the first time in my life and understanding it. I found a love for worship music, I began praying constantly , became much less anxious , life slowly became much more beautiful . In a time of struggle I found complete peace and happiness .
After leaving Phoenix the boys and I have had equally wonderful experiences at both Casas in Tucson, and this hidden gem here in Enterprise called Crossroads. I feel so blessed to have found both places of worship so quickly , and knew that God absolutely sent me to both knowing how much my faith could grow in different ways .
The hardest part of this journey has been that very few people in my life are Christians. In fact I've learned to bite my tongue when I talk about prayer or church because in our society it's frowned upon. People automatically think if you're a Christian you are anti abortions, against homosexuality , don't drink alcohol, must be a republican , etc. But what I find to be the most impacting words of scripture , bottom line is that Jesus. loves. EVERYONE . It is not the place of ANY human to judge others , that is God's job. It is our job to live a Christ like existence LOVING others, GIVING to others , sharing this beautiful life with others .
I'm not writing this to say HeY I'm such a good person! Or I'm so holy ! In fact just the opposite . I'm writing this because I've had some dark challenging days, days that I see many loved ones going through as well . I HATE watching my loved ones suffer knowing that they don't have to. The quote below replays in my mind often, probably because society leads us to believe the opposite . No matter where you are in your life, what you believe or don't believe, God is there and is so so good. He's ready to heal you and change your life for the better - you just have to let him.
